My Anxious Journey Thus Far
So far, I’m about 3 months into my recovery. I have been attempting recovery before this but not actively pursuing it. Over the last 3 months, I’ve done some of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and they seem like the easiest and often fun things to some people, like going to the beach for the weekend, but sadly for me, they are terrifying. I am going to share a recent experience with you all in hopes of inspiring you to start or continue your journey to recovery.
First big breakthrough; going to visit my family in Santa Cruz. I shared this recently but I’ll go into a bit more detail in this post. I have a fear of driving long distances, staying in places overnight, being away from our dogs and other pets, not feeling well, which usually happens when any of the above occur, being away from home, and being around my family. I accomplished all of these during my visit to Santa Cruz. Here are some of the things that helped me:
Having my wife there as a supporter on my journey
Having this book (Barnes, Anna. The Anxiety Workbook) with me (I don’t know why, but it gave me comfort just having it in my bag)
Using cold water therapy (aka jumping into the cold ocean) to regulate my nervous system
Memorizing an internal mantra, telling myself “I am safe, I am confident, I am ok, I am loved, you only have to endure this moment one second at a time and it’ll all be over soon, you’ll be stronger after this.” over and over again when I get scared.
Keeping some of my security items with me (backpack, water, medicine, driving my own car, etc.) even though I know they don’t provide any logical protection against anything.
So, I’ll go through these one by one so you can understand why each one is important:
Having my wife there was critical to me achieving this first major breakthrough. She is an advocate, she’s also someone who has suffered and overcome these issues. This is vitally important to anyone on their journey. Having an advocate or supporter even if they are a phone call away is so important to making big strides into your recovery. She knows that she can’t help me but just being there and being supportive is a huge help.
The book was a great resource because when I found myself going into negative thought loops, I’d pull the book out and thumb through it. It shifted my mindset instantly and gave me cognitive distance from my thoughts, allowed me to observe my behaviors from a distance, and gave me easy to use visual aids to help me easily understand the material even when I felt panic.
Using cold water therapy, I would actually do this multiple times a day especially on the harder days because it helped so much. This is a crutch and shouldn’t be used to replace your training but this really helped me recalibrate my nervous system when I was extremely stressed. A cold shower or a cold plunge can also do the same thing. I kept my swim shorts in my bag and my towel just in case I needed to jump in. This also provided peace of mind while I was out.
Memorizing an internal mantra that is focused around positivity and love was my real savior during all this, as they are tools that truly aid in improvement and progress. These are the “new ski slopes” you are trying to carve in your brain. Without a habit of doing this, you could be more exposed to stress and not catch it. I found this to be very calming and rejuvenating. I almost found it emotional at times because I knew there was so much love in my life and I just couldn’t see it. You too are more loved than you think; there are so many people out there that miss you and want to be with you and support you.
Keeping some of my security objects with me was so helpful because I knew that I wasn’t ready to take them away yet, especially since I was in such an extreme environment. I allowed myself to keep these security objects, especially since I was in such an extreme environment. These little things can really help with the toughest situations and are honestly a bit trivial if it’s just a backpack or something small like a little soft toy or something easy to keep with you. They are crutches but they will help you get through the really tough experiences, so take the baby steps and take the other wins.
Well, that was a very personal post but I know it’s important to share. I hope these stories help others who struggle and let you all know you aren’t alone. There are more of us than we realize and having a community that supports us is vitally important during our recovery. I hope this post inspires some of you to share your story with others and seek help and support so the world gets to see more of you. The world needs people like us so get out there!
*Memorizing an internal mantra focused on positivity and love was my real savior during all this, as they are tools that truly aid in improvement and progress. The concept of "new ski slopes" is actually a reference to a neuroscience analogy describing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). A neuroscientist explains the negative thought loop as a frequently used neuron firing sequence, which creates an imprint on our brain. Much like a skier carving a path through fresh powder, each descent deepens the slope, making it easier to follow the same path again. The more you ski down that particular slope, the deeper and more established the path becomes, making it harder to ski on a different part of the mountain. This analogy underscores the importance of breaking the cycle. By disrupting the established negative pattern, we create new slopes and paths in our brain. Over time, this makes it easier to ski different routes, symbolizing the facilitation of more positive thoughts. Without a habit of engaging in this mental exercise, we could become more exposed to stress without a means to divert it. I found this practice to be very calming and rejuvenating. There were times when it even became emotional for me, as I realized the abundance of love in my life that I had been overlooking. The realization that you too are more loved than you think is profound; there are so many people out there who miss you, want to be with you, and support you.
